Pop Vox – How Would You Kill Osama?

As everyone knows by now, Osama bin Laden is dead – shot by elite Navy SEALs as they stormed his compound in Pakistan (we’re kinda picturing the end of You Only Live Twice, where James Bond and a bunch of ninjas kill all the bad guys in their volcano hideout). For the next 24 hours, Americans will be celebrating by yelling “U-S-A!” in the direction of Abbottabad and violently waving miniature flags all over the place. To see what the euphoria looked like, we headed down to the big hole where the World Trade Center used to be and surveyed the crowd of tourists, construction workers, cops, ’Merica-loving street vendors, and public officials giving statements to the press in front of landmarks. There were probably a hundred journalists out there getting “man on the street” quotes, but we had a different question than the other reporters: We wanted to know how people wished Osama had died. Was falling in a spray of bullets and blood too good for him? Here’s what people told us.

Vice: How would you kill Osama if it was up to you?
Ryan Chin: I would have had him suffer a little bit more than a bullet between the eyes. I would have dragged his ass around this whole complex, just like they did to our Black Hawk chopper guys. Those pilots, they pulled them out and dragged them through their town.

So just drag him along the ground until he died?
Yeah, pretty much. That would be a good way for me. I think that’s fair.

Vice: What would your preferred method of execution be?
Chris: Beheading.

What kind of beheading? Guillotine, or more like a big guy with a sword?
Big guy with a sword.

And put it in a big square like this?
Yeah, and televised to the world.

Would you like to be the guy to behead him? Would that be something you’d be interested in?
If I had to.

But you wouldn’t volunteer for the position?
Probably not.

Vice: OK, you’re in charge of killing Osama, what do you do?
Derek: I would want him to suffer. Not just one shot. People like that need to suffer. Drag him through all types of shit. Make him suffer. Torture him. Cut his balls off, stuff them in his mouth. [Makes “cutting his balls off” motion for the camera.]

Vice: So how would you ladies kill Osama if you had the chance?
Jodi: Something long and torturous. So potentially like having him lie down covered in honey, and exposed to fire ants.

Wow that’s really creative. What about you?
Brooke:I need to top that now. Mine’s lethal injection.
Jodi: Aw, that’s painless.
Allison: Isn’t water boarding supposed to be rough? Where they put you down, and then they drown you, resuscitate then drown you, resuscitate then drown you.
Jodi: Something long, think about all the people that suffered in that building. Their lives were over. Something so that cerebrally, he would be aware of what was about to happen.
Brooke: It doesn’t bring those people back.
Jodi: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
Allison: It should be something long and horrible.

Allison, what would your method be? I’ve got honey, fire ants, lethal injection…
Jodi: [interrupting] Cut his penis off.
Allison: A slow hanging. Cause that’s pretty torturous.
Jodi: So hang until you come back. A couple of times.

Would you want the execution to be public?
Allison: I don’t think so. I think that brings us down too much.
Jodi: As if the fire ants, hangings…
Allison: This is like Lord of the Flies crap though. That’s too primeval.

Vice: How should Osama have died?
Charlie: Some form of torture. Shooting body parts, probably. As much pain as possible. Start from the feet, work your way up to his head.
Tony: I’m gonna be a bit more ruthless. I’ll go for his family, torture them in front of him to let him see what it’s like to watch your family members die. That’s the way I would do it.

Some people would televise the execution or have it be open to the public. Would you guys go for that?
On HBO or cable, sure. I want it bloody and gory, like hot pokers and steam, all types of stuff. Get medieval on his ass. Pliers, blowtorches.

Like Pay-Per-View or something, maybe?
Exactly. Make some money off it too, that’s the way to do it!

Vice: How would you kill Osama?
Larry: Actually, I wouldn’t kill him because I don’t believe in the death penalty. I’d keep him in jail for as long as he lives. It would have to be solitary, to protect us. It’s a more powerful lesson than making him a martyr.

If he was really sick, would you give him medical treatment in prison?
Yeah.

So pretty just much like a normal criminal.
Keep him in jail as a moral punishment.

Regular jail or Guantanamo Bay?
Regular jail.

That’s very ethical of you.

Vice: How should Osama have been killed?
Jimmy: I would have brought him over here to Ground Zero, I would have put the gallows up, I would’ve hung him, and then I would’ve taken his body and brought it to Staten Island to the landfill, the garbage dump, and leave it there so the rats and seagulls can fucking gnaw on him. I wouldn’t have put him inside Ground Zero, just outside somewhere, right here. Hang him out here for a day or two then leave him inside the garbage dump.

Do you remember the days right after September 11th? What were you doing?
I work for the Department of Transportation, so I was over here for five days, bringing supplies back and forth. My wife lost her cousin. I lost a good buddy. John Fisher. I saw him two weeks before September 11th. He was a fireman, he used to come here. I knew him very well. His name is on the list, it’s terrible.

Vice: Are you selling those flags because Osama was killed?
Daniel Conner: I’m out here to celebrate America.

How would you have killed Osama?
I wouldn’t personally want to kill anybody, it’s up to God to take anybody’s life. I love nature but he was a bad man, a crooked man, God will deal with him. I’m glad I wasn’t involved with killing him personally – I’m a peacemaker.

So God’s dealing with him now.
Yeah, exactly.

Vice: If Osama was sitting in front of you tied to a chair, how would you kill him?
Reverend Jill Rogers: Well see, I’m a United Church minister, so I would probably say in a humane fashion. But I’m also fine with the fact that they took his life.

I see, so you’re not one of the people who say he should just be in prison for life.
No, no, no. I think he should pay the price. But I also think that he would be a martyr if he was tortured. And there would be other innocents who would die. So therefore I think he should be put to death, but in a humane way. And if he died trying to save his own life, which I’m sure he did, then that was his right to do so. But frankly I’m quite relieved that he’s gone.

So what would be a humane way to put him to death? Lethal injection?
Yes, that’s fine, as long as he’s not a blight to humanity anymore. I think God would forgive us for killing him.

HARRY CHEADLE