Figuring Out Male Models

To girls everywhere, male models are strange creatures. They seem to contradict everything we think we know about boys. They like grooming, have figured out that their belts should match their shoes and are keen to communicate with us, even if it’s just by staring out into the near distance like they’ve just been served up a plate of their own sick for lunch. In Australia, where it’s traditional for men to fart their marriage proposals and argue all day long about sports with pigs, the difference between your average Joe and the modelling male sub-species is magnified tenfold.To delve deeper into this manicured mystery world, we headed to something called the “Dob in a Dude Model Search” at Melbourne’s Waterfront City, where we drilled the boys who (with luck) will one day be drilling you.

VICE: Hey handsome, what’s your name?
Christopher.

How old are you?
20.

What’s your beauty regime? What does it take every day to bring this to the public?
I wash my face morning and night. I cleanse, tone and moisturise.

That’s pretty good for a boy. Heaps better for you than the bucket of wax I apply every day.
Well, I also work for a skincare company so I kind of have to do it.

Does the embarrassing t-shirts company you work for know that you’ve missed work to come here today?
What?

Doesn’t matter. I saw that you came in second, what did you win for that, fella?
A manicure kit and some facial wipes.

Whoa, jelly!

Ahh the champion! But what do your friends call you?
Jason.

How do you do it? Do you have a beauty regime? You can’t tell me this just happens every morning by accident.
My beauty regime? Nah, don’t really have one. Just an average bloke to be honest. Wash my face with water and soap. Just a bar of soap or whatever. No moisturisers or anything. Actually, sometimes I use my mum’s. Like I’ll go take my old lady’s. But I’m pretty simple to be honest. Just shave my head, that’s about it. Keep it original.

What are you going to do with your trophy?
Might hang it off the mirror of my car, I reckon it’ll look pretty good. Just between the dice, one on each side.

That’s one of the most awesome things I’ve ever heard. Did you bring a crew for support today?
Nah, I came here on an hour and a half’s sleep. Had a big night last night, went to see Lil Jon. We were just like, “Let’s go for an adventure”, so we went there. And yeah, it ended up being a big night.

That’s pretty impressive. You slept for an hour, woke up and won a modelling contest. What do your friends think about your modelling?
They find it funny. Made the mistake of bringing my mates last time in the competition, told all my friends to come. There were about 30 of them and it was like they were at a soccer match. They all got drunk and yelled. 30 lads just going crazy, and the promoters were telling me off because they were too loud. Pretty funny, though. Imagine if that was going on in Milan.

I’m sure that’s exactly what professional modelling is like.
Really? Awesome. Yeah, I said to a mate this morning, “I dunno if I can do this, I’m wrecked.” And he goes, “It’s alright mate, just wash your face with some cold water.”

What’s all that white stuff on your head?
Dunno, just fluff.

You seem like a fancy young man. What is your name and how old are you?
Adrian, 19 last week.

And do you have a beauty routine, Adrian?
As in the morning, getting all prettied up? I put my socks on first. That’s the trick. You put those on first and everything just falls into place.

So not the gloves first then?
No, I wouldn’t want to catch sight of myself in the mirror like that, just in the nip with me gloves on. I’d look perverse.

Got a girlfriend?
Sort of, I’ve been seeing someone recently. We’re just going with the flow at the moment. I don’t have too much trouble with the girls. I think I understand them. I watch chick flicks, read some poetry, that helps.

Renaissance man alert! They mentioned in the competition that you read poetry, too. Sensitive much?
Yeah I like watching my chick flicks, The Notebook, all that jazz. Getting some tips. Oh man, I’m in front of the TV with a notebook myself!

Is that your hot tip for all the other guys who are struggling to get dates?
Nah, mine would be just to have confidence. Like seriously, you can get some whatever looking dude with a lot of confidence and he will attract all the girls in the world.

So poetry and confidence are key?
Yeah, that’s for the extra thousand girls if you want them. I know I do. You know looks get the attention, but it’s the personality they’ll fall in love with. That’s the stage I’m at now.

I thought you said you’ve just turned 19?
Yeah, sick of being single, looking for something more profound.

Final babe of the day! What’s your name sweet cheeks?
Jessie.

Who dobbed you in? That’s what the name of this thing means, right? One of your mates enters you for a laugh?
Yeah, it does, but I entered myself. I just sent my pictures into the agency and they replied saying I was in the heats.

Good, being proactive. Are you this assertive with your facial care?
Not really. I just moisturise every night.

With what love?
Vaseline? I think that’s what it’s called.

What’s your number one pick-up tip? Besides rubbing Vaseline all over your face.
Probably just staring. Like if they’re staring at you, and then you just stare at them for a while. And then you make your way over, talk to them a bit – “how are you?” – all that sort of stuff. You know they’re interested when they’re looking at you.

So just stare? And if they don’t call the cops it’s on?
Yeah, just the stare, it’s all in the eyes.

So it is!

WORDS: WENDY SYFRET
PHOTOS: MAXWELL FINCH