Are Your Dates ‘Benching’ You?

Have you been “benched” when dating?

If you played sports growing up, you likely have heard of the term “bench warmer,” or an athlete who spends more time sitting on the sidelines as a substitute than actually playing in the game. 

I’m getting flashbacks to varsity soccer my freshman year of high school…

Being “benched” is a humble experience. You feel like you’re not good enough compared to the other players, and you’re basically waiting for your coach to “pick you” once someone else gets tired or messes up. 

In dating, however, it’s an even more awful and personal feeling.

What is ‘benching’?

Sabrina Zohar, dating coach and host of the dating podcast The Sabrina Zohar Show, shared a video detailing “benching” in dating.

@sabrina.zohar

Benching in dating. #benching #datingadvice #dating #anxiousattachment #emotionallyunavailaible

♬ original sound – Sabrina Zohar

“Benching is keeping someone on the sidelines by intermittently engaging with them but not fully committing to them or pursuing a relationship,” she explained.

This might look like random reach-outs and sporadic attempts at communication. Basically, you’re left feeling like an option, not a choice, Zohar said.

Benching is becoming increasingly common, likely thanks to the use of dating apps. With so much access to an overwhelming amount of potential suitors at our fingertips, it’s hard for some people to focus on just one connection at a time.

Not to mention, many of today’s daters operate from a place of fear. It’s almost like a “well, everyone’s doing it!” mindset. If you’re dating someone who’s getting to know multiple people at once, instead of walking away and pursuing someone with the same dating habits as you, your instinct might be to match that person’s energy.

While you might be the victim of benching, think about it: are there random people you reach out to from time to time as backup options? You might be surprised to realize you’re playing the same game.

Are you a victim of benching?

So…why, exactly, do so many daters “bench” the people on their dating roster? 

“The reason a bencher will do this is because they like the attention of having multiple people,” Zohar explained. “They’re not ready to make a commitment, or they’re just unsure about their own emotions, and they’re reluctant to let go of the multiple options that they have, or maybe even specifically the one person they have.”

If you’ve been a victim of benching, you’re certainly not alone in today’s dating environment. However, to protect yourself and ensure you’re not giving more than you’re receiving, Zohar recommended assessing the boundaries of your relationships. Is the other person meeting your needs, or are you settling for someone who makes you feel like a grain of sand on the beach?

Many TikTok users commented on Zohar’s video with their own experiences, detailing how they handled this dating dynamic.

“I’ve been benched, and decided to fire the manager!” one person wrote.

Another added, “Unfriend, unfollow, and delete their number.”

On the contrary, many commenters even admitted to being the bencher.

“I keep my star players on the court,” one person said. “I do have some good backups on the bench, though.”

But…there’s hope. When you let go of someone who’s treating you like you’re replaceable, you free yourself to meet someone who views you as the prize.

One TikTok user shared, “It’s nice to have finally met someone amazing [who] allows me to finally get rid of my long-term situationship, who had me on the bench.”