Medieval Slimes

According to such sources as Hollywood, history textbooks, and the word on the street, the Middle Ages were a thousand-year grunge revival in which everybody walked around covered in fleas and mud and you could tell a person’s class by the particular stench of their balls. This is total bullshit. I know this because I just spent two weeks adhering strictly to premodern hygiene techniques and aside from a few skid marks, unexplained sores, heavy dandruff, lots of smegma, and a possible case of Saint Anthony’s fire, I turned out fine. Here’s how it went. THE BASIC RULES Fitzcarraldo PISSING
dejecti effusive pitch TEETH
Miswak miswak miswak SHITTING
WIPING, PART THE FIRST
Gargantua and Pantagruel SMELL, PART THE FIRST
SKIN
LAUNDRY
HAIR
The Breakfast Club MORE WIPING
MORE SMELL